


Welcome to McMelano's

by himawaridreams



Category: fault (Visual Novels)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, McDonald's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 10:59:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himawaridreams/pseuds/himawaridreams
Summary: Upon catching wind of a foreign restaurant they've yet to try, Selphine begs Ritona to let them go there. However... What they find at McDonald's is beyond their wildest imagination.





	Welcome to McMelano's

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! The backstory for this fic is somewhat of a funny one... Back in 2016, I asked a question on AiD's ask.fm about what the fault trio's favorite McDonald's menu items would be, and after I got a response, I decided to write a crack fault fic about it. Please don't ask me why there's a McDonald's in the fault universe... Just chalk it up to Melano's craftiness. :^)

Ritona sighed as she looked up at the building that loomed before her. It was made purely out of red brick, a red roof laid haphazardly upon the structure of the building, and glass windows and doors to fit the bill. The most defining feature of this building, however, was the golden arch that graced the front of the building, standing with pride on the heated asphalt of the torrid summer afternoon.

Despite the heat that seemed to beat down upon the trio in waves, Selphine still appeared as full of excitement and anticipation as when she first convinced Ritona and Rune to go with her to McDonald’s. Rocking back and forth on the heels of her feet as she stared at the restaurant in a childlike fascination, the princess couldn't contain herself and finally decided to make her first comment since arriving here.

"Ritona, Rune! Look at this huge golden arch thingy! Isn't it amazing!?" Selphine shouted, stars practically twinkling in her sapphire eyes. She rushed over to the golden arch, clinging to one of its sides with a huge smile on her face as she awaited her companions' responses.

Rune giggled awkwardly as she walked over to join Selphine, both amused and slightly surprised by her friend's actions. "Well, well, Selly! This is certainly... full of character!" she observed, wrapping her arms around the opposite side of the arch to please her friend.

"...Why are you two doing that? You're only going to succeed in burning your arms like that in this heat." Ritona said exasperatedly, stepping over to eye the metal of the golden arch that was probably absorbing a lot of heat from the weather around this area.

Blinking in sudden realization, Selphine and Rune stared at each other for a split-second in collective cognizance, before whipping their arms off the arch before their skin could really be melted off.

"Ow, ow, ow! I think I might have actually burnt my arms..." Selphine sniffled, looking down at the redness that was beginning to become evident on her arms. Rune gasped and sped over to Selphine, taking her slightly swollen arms into her hands. "Are you okay, Selly!? These probably aren't the worst burns, but they do look like they could sting a lot..."

Laughing sheepishly, Selphine shook her head, shooing Rune's hands away. "Don't worry, Rune~! I've burnt myself before a few times when I was a child by being a little too adventurous in Chef Mili's kitchen back home."

Noticing that the conversation had begun to take somewhat of a somber tone, Ritona quickly opted to change the subject. "By the way, Rune... How come your arms aren't burnt like Selphine's? Do you not get burned since you're an automaton, or is it because of something else?"

"Oh, no! I do get burnt like normal people... it just takes a lot for my skin to get to that state." Rune explained, smiling as she jokingly flexed one of her arms. "I was built to be pretty sturdy, after all~!"

Ritona chuckled, watching Rune's almost comical but impressive display of her physical strength and prowess. Selphine squinted at the two of them in the distance, a small pout beginning to form on her face. "Hey, guys... I know Rune's pretty awesome and all but..." she took a deep breath, calming herself as her demeanor suddenly shifted into more of a serious one. "We've been standing here for quite a while and well... the heat is becoming really unbearable out here and I'm--"

"I'm?" Ritona and Rune both asked in unison, metaphorical question marks appearing over their heads as they stared at their friend quizzically.

Selphine continued to keep her demeanor, while she stood firmly on the ground, telling the two with her body language that she wasn't messing around. They both gulped, wondering what sort of sudden revelation Selphine was going to drop upon them. From their previous experiences with Selphine though, they were pretty sure what she was about to say.

"I'm... HUUUUUUNNNNGRRRRYYY!!!" Selphine finally proclaimed her predictable outburst, her whole voice reverberating out of her petite frame as her statement startled the people mingling around the trio for a few seconds.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Ritona and Rune both felt the palpable tension from the moment previous lift from their bodies. "Well then, everyone... Let's get moving, then!" Rune declared cheerfully, swinging her arms and legs exaggeratedly as she reached for the door handle to the establishment. Grabbing onto the door handle and holding the door open for the Royal Guardian and princess to pass through, Ritona and Selphine gingerly stepped into McDonald’s, with Rune swiftly tailing after them.

As soon as the girls entered the building, a cool breeze blew gently on the group, instantly refreshing them from the fierce summer heat raging outside. Looking up, the trio could see an aquamarine sigil placed upon the ceiling, exuding a cool current to change the temperature of the room to a more livable and inviting atmosphere.

Raising an eyebrow, Rune glanced over at Selphine and Ritona, obviously confused about how the sigil was doing that. "Um... Not to be a bother or anything, but what's that magical circle thing up there?" Extending a finger to point up at the ceiling where the sigil was located, she brought the pair's attention to what would be a common occurrence in the Inner-Pole, but not so much in the Outer-Pole, where Rune used to reside.

Ritona was the first to respond, gladly willing to help the baffled Rune out. "That's what we call a ‘cooling sigil’ in the Inner-Pole, Rune. Its main purpose is to bring the air of a building to a temperature that is more preferable than the temperature that's currently outside."

"We also have a ‘heating sigil’, too! But that's more for when the weather is chillier outside rather than hotter, though~..." Selphine interjected helpfully, although her stomach rumbled immediately after she said that.

Changing their focus, Ritona and Rune both looked at Selphine with tiny smirks on their lips, clearly entertained in their own ways by her noisy stomach. "G-Guys... I really think we should order food now..." Selphine grumbled with a pout, dissatisfied by how long it was taking just for them to go up to the counter and order their meals.

"Right. Let's go then, Selphine." said Ritona, making her way over to the shiny silver food counter where one could place an order. Rune followed suit, and Selphine soon filed behind her, gazing inquisitively at all of the amenities that were littered behind the front counter. There were racks where food wrappers, utensils, and actual food were strewn about, giving the restaurant a very messy but albeit homey feel.

Stepping up to the counter, Ritona planted her feet upon a glowing manakravte  sigil, which she then released the signature to allow all the information about McDonald's menu to flow directly into her mind. Selphine did the same, eyes lighting up as she became aware of all the delectable food that she had never tried before at this foreign restaurant. Rune fidgeted behind them, waiting for the two to reveal the items on the menu to her since she couldn't release manakravte sigils.

"Wow... they have quite a selection." Ritona murmured in unadulterated shock, considering the items that were projected into her mind. Selphine nodded in agreement, licking her lips in anticipation of all of the tasty morsels she was about to experience. "Ahhh, I can't wait! Ritona, can I please order one of--"

"No." Ritona cut her off firmly, already knowing what she was about to ask her. One could not easily forget the certain... incident that happened at Eyvel's. Even though the event was quite a while back, it still stood fresh in her mind, reminding her that if she didn't put a stop to Selphine's extremely indulgent habits now, she would be an undeniable and insatiable glutton by the time they returned home. That wouldn't be a very admirable trait for the future queen of Rughzenhaide.

"But, Ritonaaaaa..." Selphine pouted once again, crossing her arms stubbornly and furrowing her brow. She continued this for at least another thirty seconds before Ritona finally caved. "All right, fine... You can order one of everything, as always." A giant grin spreading across her face, Selphine pumped her fist into the air victoriously, more than ready to try all of the items on the McDonald’s menu.

Rune timidly approached the two of them, lingering behind them as she tapped her index fingers together nervously. "U-Um, not to interrupt you guys or anything... but can you tell me what was on the menu?"

Selphine, being promptly pulled out of her unilateral victory celebration, turned to face Rune, still giddy from her self-proclaimed triumph. "Yeah, I can tell you, Rune~! They've got all kinds of wonderful and yummy things... Like burgers, fries, chicken nuggets, and even smoothies!"

The princess continued to ramble off items on the menu, barely even stopping for a breath of air. Rune listened intently, clearly interested in all of the food and drinks that McDonald’s was serving. They both appeared to be very absorbed in the discussion of fast food, animatedly trying to pick which items suited their pallet the best. As for Rune, however, she was just choosing which item off the menu was the most nutrient-packed.

Meanwhile, Ritona stood off to the side of the conversing pair, gloved hand brought up in thought to her mouth as she mulled over what to order. Finally, she seemed to come to a decision and lightly rang a silver-plated bell resting on the counter.

"Coming~!" A chipper yet mature voice echoed from the back of the kitchen, a clattering of dishes and metal racks making a commotion from beyond the counter. One could hear the subtle squeaking of sneakers traversing across the brown tile floor, approaching the cash register with an air of laxness. They adjusted their signature McDonald’s cap, brilliant crimson eyes playfully scrutinizing Ritona like she was yet another item on the menu to cook up.

_What._

Ritona felt her shoulders automatically tense up, having to blink her eyes a few times to make sure she wasn't hallucinating or completely going crazy. Behind her, Selphine and Rune's carefree voices abruptly came to a standstill, sensing that something was majorly off.

The atmosphere around them was extremely heavy, stirring with unspoken feelings of fear and tension. Ritona began to take a shaky breath, steadying her stance and focusing her eyes on the subject of their discontent. The subject in question, however, seemed unaffected by all of these apprehensive emotions circling within the room. They hummed a lighthearted tune, tapping their fingers along the buttons of the cash register nonchalantly, almost unnaturally reveling in this uncomfortable atmosphere.

Rune instinctively moved in front of Selphine, shielding her protectively as she tentatively accessed the situation, wondering what Ritona was going to do. Selphine brought her hands nervously up to her chest, standing as still as possible and watching Ritona and the person behind the cash register with unease.

Tips of her fingers tingling with mana in preparation for a kravte, Ritona locked her eyes solemnly onto the person's own eyes behind the counter, readying herself for anything.

"What are you doing here?" Ritona's voice dripped with malice, steeling herself to sound more threatening than the anxious tone that was trying to spill over her lips.

Chuckling, they swept their black hair over their shoulder, staring at Ritona in amusement, yet also with detached disinterest. "Oh~? I'm not allowed to go wherever I please? I'm a person, too, you know..."

"Answer me." Ritona demanded, not having the patience to deal with their untimely jokes.

They sighed, shrugging their shoulders in defeat. "Fine, fine. I'll tell you why I'm here, then."

From behind the multiple metal racks arranged in the kitchen emerged three individuals, all girls varying in age. Two appeared to be around their preteen years, and the latter appeared to be well into her young adult years. They all had an aura of mystery swirling around them, but to Ritona, Selphine, and Rune... they were enemies.

Yes... To them, this group of seemingly innocent and well-meaning "McDonald’s employees" were all subordinates of the notorious Melano, the one behind the assault on Rughzenhaide that took so many lives numerous months ago. This tense atmosphere was no facade. These were the people responsible for the slaughtering of Rughzenhaide's inhabitants... and also responsible for the attempt on Princess Selphine's life on that dreadful and fateful night.

Clapping her hands together briefly, Melano's subordinates all stood in a uniform line behind her, each folding their hands behind themselves in a business-like manner. Each one of them were wearing the McDonald’s uniform, not a trace of their regular outfits left. They each examined the trio across the counter idly, as if lying in wait for what was going to happen next.

"Before I start with my incredibly boring and long-winded explanation, do you believe in the theory of multiple universes, Miss Reighnvhasta?" Melano inquired, twisting a strand of black hair around her index finger.

"Multiple... universes?" Ritona questioned, elongating the sentence purposefully to signal her disbelief. If it was up to her, she wouldn't believe a single word that was uttered out of this woman's mouth. For all she knew, Melano could intentionally be playing with them, rambling off made-up facts from the top of her head simply for fun.

...However, something inside Ritona tempted her to believe Melano, since that one "demonstration" way back when in the Outer-Pole. If she really was omnipotent, then...

"Sis, dinner time." Mharie interrupted, tugging on her sister's short-sleeved red shirt as she motioned with her other hand toward a stack of neatly-wrapped hamburgers resting on one of the metal racks near the back of the kitchen. Averting her gaze from Ritona, Melano followed Mharie's gesture to the racks, a smile forming upon her lips. "Ah yes, that's right! We haven't fed our guests yet, have we? What terrible manners we have!"

Sian laughed halfheartedly, mind seemingly off elsewhere as she glanced over at Selphine, who was still standing firmly behind Rune, a steadfast semblance swirling about her despite her situation right now. Rune continued to guard Selphine vigilantly, a fierceness in her eyes although she was hopelessly confused by where this conversation was heading.

"Yes, perhaps we should settle for some dinner, Mistress. Those three over there are looking awfully restless about this whole situation, after all." Sian added in, returning her gaze back to Melano, awaiting new orders from her.

Melano nodded jovially, still not affected in the slightest from the piercing and venomous gazes resting upon her from the opposite party. "All right~! Koko, could you be a dear and take their order? Mharie, Sian, and I will head back to the kitchen to prepare their food~"

Koko nodded briskly, as if tiptoeing around communicating with Melano. "Y-Yes, Mistress!" She then approached the cash register as the other three moved back into the cramped space of the kitchen. Clearing her throat, Koko tilted her head up slightly to look up at Ritona, Selphine, and Rune, preparing to take their order. "...What do you want to eat?"

"No, no, Koko! You have to do the introductory jingle, remember?" Melano shouted from the kitchen, clearly enjoying herself.

Koko gulped and nodded briskly once again, a sour but nervous expression on her face. "W-Welcome to McMelano’s! How can I serve you today?"

"M-McMelano’s? I thought this was supposed to be McDonald’s...?" Rune mused out loud, confusion continuing to plague her face even more. Selphine seemed to share the same plight, her facial expression clouding with perplexity by the minute.

Eye twitching, Ritona was completely stunned by this unbelievable display that was unfolding right before her very eyes. Feeling her patience coming to an end, Ritona turned on her heel, dead set on ditching this whole joint altogether. "This is ridiculous. Selphine, Rune, we're leaving this place right now."

Just as Selphine and Rune were about to respond, Melano's voice echoed from the back of the kitchen once more. "Ah, ah, ah! No can do, girls! You see, as I was saying earlier about multiple universes... we're already in one at this precise moment." she stated matter-of-factually, sticking her face out from around the metal racks again. "As soon as you entered my ‘McMelano’s’ domain, your fate was already sealed."

"That's preposterous. I don't know what kind of sick joke this is, but we're leaving. Now." Ritona replied bluntly, her patience growing thread-thin at this rate. All it would take would be one more far-fetched jab from this woman, and Ritona swore that she would mcfreakin' lose it.

_Wait... "mcfreakin' lose it"?_

Before Ritona could question that random phrase that popped into her mind any more, Rune stepped in, putting a hand on Ritona's shoulder. "R-Ritona, let's calm down, okay? I know what Melano is saying is pretty crazy and probably not credible at all, but it's not worth getting so worked up over."

"Rune's right. I think right now is exactly the time we need to keep a level head above all other times." Selphine piped in, giving a slightly strained but small smile. Even though she looked to be calm externally, Selphine was doing all she could to try and prevent another bout of Empress Syndrome from leaking out. Seeing the people who murdered a countless amount of your country's people wasn't exactly working wonders for that.

"Doors locked. Alternate 'imension." Mharie commented without any explanation, poking her head out from behind Melano's body. She then procured a brown plastic tray from Sian, a cheeseburger wrapped with expert precision sitting on it. Making her way around Melano and next to Koko, she placed the tray gently on the counter, dainty fingers sliding it across to the three girls standing there. 

"And that is...?" Ritona asked, obviously wary of whatever this Mharie girl was offering to her.

With a flourish of the hand, Mharie presented the cheeseburger to Ritona with stylish flair. "Cheeseburger."

Koko's eyes wandered up to Ritona's, as if challenging her with a piercing glare. "Just take it, all right? You're lucky we're being this nice to you and not searing your heads off right now with battlekravte." Mharie nodded eagerly in agreement, waiting in anticipation for Ritona to snatch up the cheeseburger.

Sighing heavily, Ritona finally surrendered to their ambiguous tactics, grabbing the cheeseburger with a cautious hand. Turning her head back to Selphine and Rune, she wondered how exactly to go about this next. Before she could do anything, though, Rune stepped forward with determination, a clear goal present in her mind.

"Ritona, you should give me the cheeseburger to taste test. Even though I don't have any sense of taste, I should probably be able to detect any suspicious substances, like poison, if there is any." Rune then perked up again, as if having a revelation. "Oh, and I don't think that poison would have that much effect on me compared to you guys, if you know what I mean. So I would probably be the safest option for taste testing!"

While this was a risky venture, Rune would indeed be able to snuff out any suspicious elements to the cheeseburger, so this could be a worthwhile plan. The only thing bothering Ritona about this was the possibility that Melano had a trump card up her sleeve-- something they wouldn't be able to foresee. Then what would happen?

If Melano was truly telling the truth about this "alternate universe" shebang she was exerting so much effort into building up, then they were basically putty in the palm of her hand. If they didn't cooperate with what Melano wanted them to do, what's to say she wouldn't trap them in this world until they do?

With these what-ifs floating in her mind, Ritona returned to reality from her brief moment of contemplation, steadying her gaze onto Rune's. Sensing her companion's sense of resolve, Rune offered her hand, awaiting Ritona to place the cheeseburger into her possession. Transferring the item in question to Rune's hand, the cheeseburger settled onto her palm quite underwhelmingly-- no explosions or melting of skin coming from the casual brush of the wrapper against Rune's hand.

Selphine breathed a sigh of relief from behind the two, the strain of the situation obviously taking its toll on her. "Be careful, all right, Rune? We don't want you to do anything too self-sacrificing for us."

"Don't worry, Selly~! Everything's going to be perfectly fine~! Ahahaha...." Rune reassured feebly, peeling the yellow wrapper of the cheeseburger back cautiously. Inch by inch, the bun of the burger was revealed to the naked eye even more, the surrounding room being so quiet that you could even hear a pin drop.

Before you knew it, the McMelano’s signature cheeseburger was exposed in all its savory glory. It looked precisely like a regular cheeseburger, with not a single slice of cheese, lettuce, or tomato out of place. The top bun was speckled with sesame seeds and the hamburger patty was cooked to a flavorful crisp. Ketchup and mustard peeked out of the edges of the bun, decorating the contents of the cheeseburger with a expert's aptness. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so what could that scheming Melano and her lackeys be hiding?

"W-Well, here I gooo~..." Parting her lips anxiously, Rune squished her eyes shut as the cheeseburger entered her mouth, taking the first bite with a snail's pace. Shifting the food around from one cheek to the other, it appeared that she was taking deliberate procedures to search for any underlying poison. As soon as she was satisfied with her check, she swallowed the food down with a gulp, eyes opening once again.

Ritona and Selphine both exchanged curious glances, both wondering what the ingredients of the cheeseburger were. Before they could ask, however, Rune looked over at them, mouth agape in pure awe.

"That was actually pretty good...?" she began, still trying to process the contents of the cuisine. "Well, it's not like I can actually taste it, though, but! There was no poison, which was definitely a positive finding, and the composition of the cheeseburger in general was overall decent. It's not the most nutritious thing, but it will without a doubt leave you feeling full."

Exiting the kitchen, Melano cheered triumphantly, an overjoyed smiled spreading across her face. "That was my first ‘compliments to the chef’ comment! I'm moving up in the world of fast food, aren't I?"

“C-Congratulations, Mistress...” Koko said quieter than a mouse, eyes trained on the greasy buttons of the cash register. Mharie and Sian parroted the congratulatory wishes, Mharie much, much more enthusiastic than the latter.

Melano suddenly clapped her hands, the lights of the restaurant dimming on her command. She smiled conspiratorially, her crimson gaze flitting to her subordinates, and she removed her McMelano’s cap in a measured motion. Raising her other hand to her forehead in a salute, everyone else in the McMelano’s staff scrambled to follow suit.

“Well, then... I would like to give my sincere thanks to the readers of this fanfiction in lieu of the author. You see, this was written all the way back in the summer of 2016, if you can believe that! Even this closing speech of mine was shoehorned in before she posted this!”

Ritona, Selphine, and Rune remained silent at this speech, unable to understand why she was speaking to the so-called “readers”. Taking this stunned silence as permission to continue, Melano chugged along on her fast track to wrap things up nice and neat. 

“I would also like to thank her good friend, Cindy, for rummaging through old Skype chatlogs on a third party program to find lost sections of this fanfiction! Without her, you wouldn’t be reading this delightful piece of literature presently!”

Snapping her fingers, an amber spark of mana crackled out of them as their surroundings blurred, growing fainter and fainter. Melano took a sip of an iced caramel macchiato that inexplicably appeared in her hand, licking the remnants of the beverage off her lips. 

“Ah, how refreshing!” she exclaimed, tossing the empty plastic cup into a trashcan, but it ricocheted off the rim, rolling to a sad stop on the floor. “Aww... Oh, well! Disregarding that failed slam dunk... it was an honor entertaining you today, dear readers!”

_Kachekravte: Mana Fission._

_..._

_..._

_..._

Everything faded into obscurity.

**Author's Note:**

> Special shoutout to my broest of bros, Cindy, for recovering some of the fic for me yesterday! I honestly thought that I would never see the lost sections again... As always, you can find me @ ritzyvhasta on Tumblr! Thanks for reading! :^)


End file.
